Saturday, March 7, 2009

My roommate Annie is probably one of the funniest people I know. The following is an excerpt from a blog entry she wrote describing the "typical" crowd at shows. She should probably have her own XM radio show or something.

Lemme give you a little rundown of the crowd you can expect.
-Overly enthusiastic, poorly/plainly dressed fans. At your more "rock and roll" type shows, these individuals will typically be holding up the "ROCK AND ROLL" horns throughout the entire set; at your dancier shows, they clutch flashing party lights they found at the Dollar General. This over-enthusiasm comes from their desire to show what truly authentic fans they are, as they probably recently discovered the performing artist in their "iTunes recommends..." section.

-At least 5 couples who look like they have no idea what they are doing there, but insist on holding onto each other, as though for dear life, throughout the entirity of the show. The "hold" they are typically are engaged in is what Hallie and I refer to as the "cholo reach-around", where the boyfriend awkwardly stands behind his girlfriend wrapping both arms around her waist. If a guy I was dating tried to do this to me, I would probably have to violently discontinue the relationship. If you accidentally bump the girlfriend of the couple, the boyfriend gets really hostile and defensive. This couple will make-out for the duration of the more "meaningful" songs.

-Always expect to be randomly, angrily and violently elbowed or pushed in some circumstance or another. I'm not sure why, but die-hard fans tend to get overly aggressive during shows.

-There is always ALWAYS the embarrassingly drunk 25+ year old male or female, who most likely got dragged to the show by friends or just happened to drunkenly stumble in from a bar next door. This person always seems to want to stand in close proximity to ME, insisting on dancing wildly and persistently and then becoming personally offended if I happen to point, laugh or show disapproval. Sometimes this escalates into a verbal fight, but usually the person is too drunk to do anything about it. I don't know where they get these moves, or who told them they were appropriate to display in public.

-LYRICS SCREAMERS. "WHAT??? I CAN'T HEAR THE SINGER OF THE BAND SINGING IT WELL ENOUGH I DON'T THINK THE MASSIVE PILLARS OF SPEAKERS ARE DOING THEIR JOBS WELL ENOUGH, WILL YOU PLEASE YELL THE LYRICS IN MY EAR? IN A REALLY BAD SINGING VOICE?" I understand and partake in singing along, don't get me wrong, but drowing out any and all sounds the band is making with your shrieking is not necessary. We get it, you like the song, thanks for wasting my money.

-The totally shithoused 17 year olds who used going to the show as an excuse to get out of their parent's suburban house to express their inner angst. While they do probably have some remote interest in the performing artist, their number one priority is getting rowdy. Normally these individuals only present an annoyance by holding up the lines in the bathroom cos they are using the stalls to secretly pour Kentucky Deluxe from flasks into their $4 diet cokes. I can't stay mad at them, because that was me five years ago (plus, I'd still get down with a KD and Diet).

-The uptight, elitist fan who makes you feel like shit on the bottom of their shoe if you accidentally distract them from the performance with any overly loud clapping, yelling, or any expression of enjoyment. This person may corner you at the
bar or in the bathroom and ask you what your favorite "record" of the performing artist is, attempting to belittle your fan-dom. They more than likely live with their mothers and work full time at Best Buy.

The aforementioned are typically at least 90% of the crowd; the other 10% are either unnoticed or people I would actually talk to IRL. As interesting as each of these characters are, their expectedness at each and every show really weakens any desire to attend shows in the future; at least give me someone new and exciting to make fun of. Come on people, make a spectacle of yourself, life is too short.

UM. I love her. You should probably read her blog "Annie's Most Interesting". I literally just ran into the kitchen demanding she update it more often with her day's most interesting events. ..she should be paid to write this shit.

UPDATE: Went to the Plants and Animals show last night at Hailey's and definitely witnessed a REVERSE cholo reach-around. GIRL BEHIND GUY. Common' dude. Grow a pair.

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